Redefining expectations

So, it's been an interesting week.  I found myself lost in a fog of confusion and self-doubt.  Thoughts like this have run through my head:

Why am I doing this?  This is a waste of time.  I have nothing to show after ten months of solid effort - shouldn't I just give up? 

And then there were these thoughts:

I'm not gaining traction in any area, so maybe I'm not meant to do this.  I look around me and see _____ (insert any one of several names here) being successful, yet everything I try fails.  Again, am I fooling myself?  Maybe I'm not supposed to be writing.  Because, if I were, wouldn't I have more success (followers on my blog, responses to queries, paid freelance gigs - these things signify success to me)?

Then one day during my down time (read: kids' nap time) I hear the Holy Spirit whisper: "finish the movie you started last night."  Instead of writing? I think to myself.  Okay.

I had put in National Treasure the night before in an attempt to help me sleep (but let's be honest - I love all things historical and fiction, and Nicolas Cage movies make me happy).  I hadn't made it far, so I settled down during nap time to try again.

The part that stuck out?  Here it is, an exchange between Riley and Ben Gates (I'm paraphrasing here):

Riley: "It's not that it shouldn't be done; it's that it can't be done.  Here, let me prove it to you."  (After which Riley explains all the reasons their task would be impossible.)

Ben responds: "Did you know that Thomas Edison tried and failed 2,000 times to invent the thin-wire filament that would power the incandescent light bulb?  And when asked about this he said, 'I didn't fail.  I learned 2,000 ways not to build a lightbulb.'"

I didn't fail.  I learned....

Success and failure.  And through it all, the attempt.  Or, more aptly, the attempts.  And you learn.  The attempts are how you learn.

I'm revamping my writing plan this week.  After wading through the fog I found some clarity:

• Focus on your novel
• Keep pitching freelance ideas
• Don't give up

I'm going to set aside my children's books and screenplay - for now.  I'm going to stop researching conferences and writer's communities - for now.  I'm going to quit worrying about online opportunities and other creative ways to break into writing more immediately.  Instead, I'm going to follow my three bullet points, remember Edison's words, and try not to get discouraged.

Out of that resolution came further clarity: the novel I thought I was close to finishing is nowhere near being done.  I'm currently in Part III of what I thought was a three-part novel.  It will be a five-part novel.  I have a lot more writing to do.

I had originally planned to make the novel a part of a series.  Now I'm going to let the other books lie and focus on finishing this one well.  If other books come later, then they come.  And I'm not going to worry about how long it's taking, how much effort I'm putting into something for a very uncertain promise of potential return.  When the fear thoughts start to enter my head, I'll think of Jane Austen, who only finished six novels in her career.  And I won't give up.  I won't give up.  By God's grace, I won't give up.

I Heart Jane Austen

Okay, I must confess: while I did "nothing" yesterday I also watched the BBC's mini-series version of Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice.  All six hours of it.  This is, at least, my 1,000th time to watch the DVD's.  I'm an addict.

While watching I was also doing homework in the Writer's Market book for Children's Books Illustrators and Authors.  I read the chapter that included a Q&A with several agents, outlining what they do and do not like to see in the submissions that cross their desks.  One agent said (I'm paraphrasing): be authentic; write what you know; there's nothing more unique than your own experience.

That's when it hit me: this is why I love Jane Austen (one of the reasons...I could go on for days).  She was true to herself, her perspective, her experiences, even the banalities of her daily life.  How refreshing. 

I don't know why this struck me as so inspirational.  Perhaps it's because...well...I can do that.  I can be who I am.  I can write what I know.  My characters can laugh at the things I find funny and cry at the things I find sad.  I don't have to overcomplicate; I just have to write.

So, for those of you who are interested, here's an update on my writing career:

• I have submitted five children's picture books and received two rejections & one offer (which I rejected).  I'm waiting to hear on three of the five, and I need to resubmit the other two. 
• I have started a middle-grade fantasty fiction novel.  I'm very excited about it and plan to finish the outline, story plot, and first three chapters during a writing retreat to Marfa, Texas this spring.  I want to be able to submit it to agents beginning in May (feel free to hold me accountable to that timeline!).
• I'm submitting a decade's worth of poetry to a publisher this month (wish me luck!).

Now I must put down my computer and take up my pen (my preferred way of writing).  And, of course, raise a glass to Miss Austen.  Here's to you, girlfriend!