Today, I was defeated by a flight of stairs.
Some days, stairs - while challenging - are manageable. Today, I just couldn't do it. I walked around, found the elevator, and rode up to the second floor. Today, there simply wasn't enough energy.
I started to get down about this, to feel embarrassed that a thirty-six year-old woman can't climb a single flight of stairs without needing to have a lie-down. All day.
I started to berate myself with voices - old voices - that, when taken all together, say one thing alone:
You are not _____ enough.
Fill in the blank with what you will...not good enough, not trying hard enough, not skinny enough, not in-shape enough, not strong enough. The list goes on.
I'm being real with you today, dear reader. I hope I do not depress too much. Is my writing satisfactory enough? Will you comment? Will you come back, even though I am not consistent enough?
These are the thoughts that always stand nearby, ready to exploit any weakness in my armor. These are the thoughts I must defend against, no matter how strong a connection they have to my heritage.
I believe this is what God meant when He led me to Psalm 79 yesterday, especially verse 8. I believe this is what God meant when He called me to ponder the words about enemies ravaging, neighbors mocking, and ungodly kingdoms dooming.
I believe this is what He was trying to show me when He had me camp on Psalm 79:8:
"Do not hold us guilty for the sins of our ancestors! Let your compassion quickly meet our needs, for we are on the brink of despair."
For me, this is a battle in my body and my mind. My disease and disorder (the doctors tell me it is both) is genetic. Something passed down against my will. My thought-patterns share that trait. I was taught many of the lies; through word and deed they became part of me. Now I must unravel them and learn truth.
The lies and disease are enemies, mocking neighbors, ungodly kingdoms. They attack ceaselessly, and I must stand firm.
But what happens when I am too weak to sit, much less stand? What happens when I am defeated by a flight of stairs, when there's simply not enough energy to defend?
Those are the best days. Because, even though I might wrestle with accusations and shame briefly, I have learned a certain lesson very well. I have learned that weakness is my friend.
In the end, after all, it is not mine to defend but His. In the end, I can't, I don't, I won't be able to. In the end, all I can do is rest in His shadow while He does the work.
So I choose that thought. I camp in that place. I let the swirling words fall to the ground like dead leaves in winter. I lie down. I rest.
And in so doing, I find His strength in my weakness.
Linking up with sweet friends at Soli Deo Gloria today. Be sure to hop over and check it out.