The Stairs

Today, I was defeated by a flight of stairs.

Some days, stairs - while challenging - are manageable.  Today, I just couldn't do it.  I walked around, found the elevator, and rode up to the second floor.  Today, there simply wasn't enough energy.

I started to get down about this, to feel embarrassed that a thirty-six year-old woman can't climb a single flight of stairs without needing to have a lie-down.  All day.

I started to berate myself with voices - old voices - that, when taken all together, say one thing alone:

You are not _____ enough.

Fill in the blank with what you will...not good enough, not trying hard enough, not skinny enough, not in-shape enough, not strong enough.  The list goes on.

I'm being real with you today, dear reader.  I hope I do not depress too much.  Is my writing satisfactory enough?  Will you comment?  Will you come back, even though I am not consistent enough?

These are the thoughts that always stand nearby, ready to exploit any weakness in my armor.  These are the thoughts I must defend against, no matter how strong a connection they have to my heritage.

I believe this is what God meant when He led me to Psalm 79 yesterday, especially verse 8.  I believe this is what God meant when He called me to ponder the words about enemies ravaging, neighbors mocking, and ungodly kingdoms dooming.

I believe this is what He was trying to show me when He had me camp on Psalm 79:8:

"Do not hold us guilty for the sins of our ancestors!  Let your compassion quickly meet our needs, for we are on the brink of despair."

For me, this is a battle in my body and my mind.  My disease and disorder (the doctors tell me it is both) is genetic.  Something passed down against my will.  My thought-patterns share that trait.  I was taught many of the lies; through word and deed they became part of me.  Now I must unravel them and learn truth.

The lies and disease are enemies, mocking neighbors, ungodly kingdoms.  They attack ceaselessly, and I must stand firm.

But what happens when I am too weak to sit, much less stand?  What happens when I am defeated by a flight of stairs, when there's simply not enough energy to defend?

Honestly?

Those are the best days.  Because, even though I might wrestle with accusations and shame briefly, I have learned a certain lesson very well.  I have learned that weakness is my friend.

In the end, after all, it is not mine to defend but His.  In the end, I can't, I don't, I won't be able to.  In the end, all I can do is rest in His shadow while He does the work.

So I choose that thought.  I camp in that place.  I let the swirling words fall to the ground like dead leaves in winter.  I lie down.  I rest.

And in so doing, I find His strength in my weakness.

Linking up with sweet friends at Soli Deo Gloria today.  Be sure to hop over and check it out.