I'm back. I know, I've missed you too. But, to be honest, I've stayed away on purpose. There have been a few posts here and there, of course, just to let you know I'm alive, but I haven't been present. Not really. I've been avoiding you. There. I said it. And that's the truth.
I'll tell you. Since round-about July I've felt this little tug on my heart, the Holy Spirit gently pulling at the edges of me to do something I absolutely, positively do not want to do. And since I didn't want to go where He is calling me, I simply avoided the issue altogether. (You can't relate, can you?)
What was the tug?
There are things I don't talk about. Things from my past that I, honestly, don't know how to talk about. Not yet. But I come here and I write and I give...parts of myself. I package my pain and hide the truly awful parts behind the only sort-of embarrassing moments. I let you see what I want you to see in a way that I know will impress. You'll say, "wow, thank you for sharing," or, "thank you for being so vulnerable."
I am being vulnerable, truthfully I am, but there's more. There's more that I don't want to share. There's more that is so painful, still, that I can't even go there inside my own head, much less in this completely public forum called a blog.
Last weekend I went to a retreat. The Soli Deo Gloria retreat put on by my dear friend Jennifer Ferguson. We're a community of female bloggers that link up every Tuesday. Some of us also meet "boots on the ground" at Jen's Bible Study Monday mornings at St. Luke's on the Lake, Austin, Texas. Some of us are just friends who became part of this group because another friend invited us. Our purpose is to serve Christ and encourage one another.
The retreat blew me away, and I highly recommend that you join us - online, at church, or at our next gathering. It's amazing what happens when we retreat, when we leave the noise of our lives and create a space to meet with God. He loves community. He loves vulnerability. He loves to use us to help one another. ("As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17) If we stay in our hiddenness, we remain dull.
On Saturday afternoon at the retreat a wonderful woman from Ignite came in to lead us in a yoga class. She led us through a series of postures, half of which help you physically open your chest to make room for your heart. She kept saying, "lift your heart".
I kept thinking, "I can't lift my heart to you, God, if I remain closed." There has to be a willingness to become vulnerable for there to be space to reach for Him.
Interestingly enough, it's these poses in yoga that are the 'energetic' poses. As I bent my head, shoulders, chest backwards, imagining my heart connected by a string to the ceiling above me, I could feel energy pulsing throughout my body. It's when I let go and exposed my vulnerable place that strength coursed through me.
So, I will keep meeting you here. I will try to be as authentic as possible, bringing all of myself into this space. I'm sure it won't look pretty at times, I'm sure I will "fail" and be less than authentic, but I'll keep trying. And I know that He will honor it, just as He does whenever we choose to trust in Him.
Linking up with Soli Deo Gloria this week.